We caught up with one of our favourite bearded musical brothers, Jonny Freesh. He uses his beard as inspiration for his rap videos, a novel use for his fuzz.
It’s every bearded man with a hot girlfriend’s worst nightmare. Through some sick and twisted train of thought, most likely stationed in her head by a bestie recently scorned by a beardie, said girlfriend decides she is no longer enamored with the beard that once tickled her fancy to no end. Of course, this bearded warrior is not going down without a fight, and so he explains in a logical, manly and hilarious manner why shaving his beard is the worst idea since sliced bread.
Seriously, everyone knows bread is way more awesome when you take huge bites out of a full loaf instead of cutting that shit into little girl at a tea party sized pieces.
Tragically, the girlfriend is beyond swaying, as opposed to, say, Gandalf’s beard in the cool breeze while he smokes his pipe overlooking the vast green fields of the shire.
The man has a wise mentor in the King of Beards, but alas, he is young, dumb and full of [insert word that rhymes with dumb here]. When the girlfriend’s pleas for follicular sacrifice escalate into threats of abandonment if the aforementioned unmentionable act of self torture is not performed, our naïve and full of [inserted rhyming word] beardie buckles and does the unspeakable. He shaves. Tears stream down his naked, suddenly revolting hairless cheeks, as he commits treason against his King, his kind, and his personal sovereignty.
You with the badass beard reading this article knows what comes next. She leaves. Laughter in tow, begging to burst out from under the poorly feigned veil of remorse she is masquerading in a feeble attempt to soften the blow. But the razor cut that strikes first, strikes deepest, and the former beardie is barely a 5 o’clock shadow of his former self.
On top of losing his sweetheart to a parade of robustly bearded champions, his beardbros also flick him the bird and force him to flee into the pouring rain, lubricating his rapid ascent into pogonophilia. He embraces the pain, allowing it to show him the true extent to which the blasphemy he has perpetrated has damaged his life, his relationships, and most importantly, his face. For real, how freakin’ ugly is this motherfucker without a beard?
Baby Won’t You Shave Your Beard is the epic portrayal of this tragic tale through hip hop music video hilarity, and by the end, the message shines through crystal clear. Baby, Don’t You Shave Your Beard.
Check out Jonny Freesh – Real Hip Hop for Real People.